9 things to do to a book you hate (while missing the class about it)

So I'm an English major, and so far I've quite liked most of the things I've read. There is, however, a glaring exception. A terrible terrible exception. The dreaded book to which I refer is called Madness and Civilization. It's a classic, you may have heard of it. But instead of reading it, I decided to use it for other, more useful things. 

Like ammunition! (This is my most excellent boyfriend who joins me in profaning notable published works.) 

Why read it, when you can contribute to landfills, instead? 

Or use it to keep doors open...

Or as a pillow...

Or as a quick fix for shoddy masonry...

Protect the grass from dripping paint! 

You can even cut down trees with it, if you feel like being ironic. 

Prevent the wasting of good mead! 

Or, use it as a speed bump to protect those children at play. 

Fuck, I still have 123 pages left.